We’ve all been there.
1. Arrive at the clinic. The anxiety amps right up.
2.You look furtively around the entrance for people you might know on your way in.
3.Wish you had worn a disguise (in case someone you know sees you and snaps you on social media looking shady hanging out by the STI centre)
4.OH GOD why didn’t you wear a hat and shades. Or a Wig, a wig would of thrown everyone off for sure…..
5. You mumble your name sheepishly as you stand in front of reception Wonder why are theses places always set up like banks?
6 Meaning you have to almost shout it out as the person behind the screen cannot hear you through all the bullet-proof glass.
7.Like what are they expecting? Someone to rob all the data and hold everyone to ransom over having had to take tablets to clear up a dose of chlamydia?
8.You pick a seat as far away from every other visitor as possible.
9. Fill out the form as fast as you can and hand it back to the bored (and quite frankly, judgemental looking) receptionist. You know she is looking at you as if you have been a hoe.
10.And even if she is right this isn’t the point. Can she not just smile and give you a lolly or something? I mean this is hard.
11.As you wait to be called in you can’t help but surreptitiously scope out everyone else in the room.
13.Especially that girl over there with a massive old dose of herpes on her lip….*sanitizes hands furiously and tries not to touch ANYTHING*
14. And that guy over there in sweatpants. Is he…smiling at you? OMG. As if you are gonna pick up a boy in an STI clinic. Ffs.
15. You curse the person who eventually calls your name out to the entire room and has therefore revealed your true identity.
16. You follow them down the corridor to the room-of-doom and answer all the questions about how bad (or good) you have been recently. I mean who doesn’t love telling an absolute stranger about there most private sex life secrets. Using tick boxes.
17.The time has come to reveal all.
18. As you sit with your legs in stirrups and your vagina in someone’s face being swabbed for trouble, you think about the last time someone was down there. And how it was the TOTAL opposite of right now…
19. Back in the waiting room. Waiting.
20. Even though you don’t even think you have one, as you TOTALLY used protection… You imagine your face in your local newspaper. And the accompanying obituary on that promiscuous young woman who died from syphilis caught from late night shenanigans in the villa pool with the Swedish hottie back in Ibiza.
21. God he was fit. But what if HE GAVE you something
22.And even though you have had a period since you last got physical…you also start thinking WHAT IF YOU ARE PREGNANT??
23.The pee-test comes back NOT pregnant.
24.PHEW that was close you think.
25. And now the glorious two-week wait to find out if somehow, even though you were careful you caught the syphilis.