The M.D. (8 min read)

Have you ever had so much heat with someone that even just thinking of them made you smile spontaneously? Hearing their voice - even just over the phone made everything from your tummy down fill with heat. And everything from your chest up feel chilled out, as you knew what ever they had to say would make you smile. And in person, just catching eyes across the room meant that the minute you were alone you would be bang in the most delicious kind of trouble.

That is how it was with the MD - I hadn’t had it like this before. Never in such an effortless, and sparky combination. He described it as “we get on like a house on fire, doused in petrol” and I didn’t disagree.

He had swiped in out of nowhere on my tinder and from day one I knew I should have stayed WELL away. You know the idea of the devil on one shoulder, and the angel on the other?

Well for me the angel is Tallulah (pretty little pup-pup) and whilst she fancied the pants off the MD she understood that at 29 he hadn’t been single since he was 15, he'd had his heart broken to bits - so he needed time. Just like everyone does in life, to play the field and be free. Tallulah was always saying “put that sexy man back where you found him” And then there was Tinkerbell. She was the one with the horns on the other shoulder and she always won back then. “Shut-up Tal-uoo-lah” she would go, all sassy, and then she would whisper “Kiss him. Whilst he’s comin”

When the MD and I started talking it was almost like sparks were coming out my phone. And I kept trying to put the fire out. Everytime I tried to say this was pointless (He didn’t want a relationship after what had happened. And I whilst I wasn’t sure I had the time or desire for one either, I wasn't after casual sex) He would just laugh his way back into my texts and win me round. Feelings are funny little things. Popping up when you least expect them. It was a few weeks before we were both free to meet and before long he had become someone I looked forward to talking to everyday and he would frequently have me laughing out loud in public when reading his messages.

On a Saturday night at the start of November I turned up in Covent Garden and he met me with the most cheeky, sexy smile I had ever seen. 6.2, piercing green eyes and he was full of fire. I am always cautious that someone might not measure up in real life (IRL) when you have gotten on so well prior, but the chemistry and sparks just intensified in person.

When we met MD smoothly handled me the surprise baby pink electric e-cig he had gotten me as a present, just cos I had mentioned I was thinking about getitng one in when we had been chatting on the phone. He took me on my first ever trip to a casino in Leicester Square. Gave me a £100 chip to play with and I tripled it on the tables. #BeginnersLuck and then outside, blowing vape rings we heard music. It led us into an (early) pop-up Christmas market. We had our first kiss sharing white chocolate covered strawberries and the taste of him made my tummy tingle like a snow-machine. Reaching the end of the market we found a circus show. The guy on the counter said "It's starting in 3 minutes" And with one look at each other the MD got us the tickets and we walked straight into the tent .

Falling back outside at midnight, tipsy and still laughing at the acts we had seen, he took me to Sketch as I told him I had never been. We rode over in a tup-tup and whizzing down oxford street at night, snuggled under a blanket next to the MD I felt like that thing again. So fudging free. But excited too. After Sketch he took me to Maddox. It’s a members only club in Mayfair. Now by this time the queue was huge, and as he led us to the front the bouncers were telling everyone it was full to capacity and turning hordes of shivering clubbers away.

One word from the MD to the doorman, and we were led through a private entrance. Maddox is crazy. People were smoking inside. I met someone at the bar when the MD went for a wee, who claimed to be a Saudi Prince. And later snuggled in at the table the MD had gotten us, a Victoria's secret model (Swedish and coked out her pretty face) plonked down and told me we made a cute couple. "He’s not my boyfriend" I told her. "This is only our first date"

After all the champagne and the dancing we ubered back. And I sat straddled over his lap kissing him the whole way home. Whilst I told the driver there would be two stops, the MD had other ideas. When we got back to mine I agreed that he could walk me up to my door. And I actually took him back down in the lift, but the uber had gone. I mean clearly I couldn’t let him sleep in the lobby….

So even though I hadn’t even worn matching underwear, as I had been sooo sure I wouldn’t do anything this soon, we ended up snuggling and talking tucked up in my bed all night. In the morning he blew my mind. Three times. Like literally took my head CLEAN OFF.

After all that time behaving Tinderella and the rules didn’t stand a chance against this one. His touch was different, the heat that came from the attraction to who he was as a person overrode everything. My body would respond without thought to his and even from the first time - it was almost too good.

When we finally came out for munch (afterwards the flat brothers described it as hearing what sounded like jungle sex) I took him to my favourite place of life for all the brunch food: The breakfast club by the river in down at Hackney wick. Walking over on that sunny November Sunday he held my hand and made me smile over and over again. After all the food we went to Hugo Boss in Westfields and he dropped some of the cash won at the casino the night before. As the assistant carried his choices to the changing room we locked eyes at the same time and had the same thought. When the nice young man went off to get another size, the curtain was held open. Tinderella slipped in and #Shenanigans ensued.

Back at mine he finally went home that evening. Texted within minutes of leaving. And the fling that followed was epic. No one had made me laugh in the same way. And no one had gotten my jokes like he did. No one I was this attracted to anyway. It was just so effortless and the sex was insatiable.

We would wake up simultaneously at 3 am in the middle of the night and fcuk each other back to sleep as if the world was about to end. Not a surface, wall or counter was safe in his apartment. And he would always be hard again before I had even reached for him. It was the kind of sex that you think you will never get bored of having and I loved that he was just a horny as I was. Which to be clear is always set on HORN. And I loved the danger of catching eyes knowing full well where it would lead.

He told me time and time again that he couldn’t get enough and neither could I. Aside from how much we giggled he was so caring as well. And so appreciative of anything I did to spoil him. He would pick me up in one arm, his hand under my bum my legs wrapped around him, and carry me to the fridge for treats. With the other arm he would brush the mane out my face and tell me my eyes were the color of hay. That I was perfect for him. That he didn’t even believe I was real. Time and time again he would say that he had planned to never have another relationship and he couldn’t understand how he could like someone this much...

I didn’t understand it either. I had so much sh!t to do career and travel wise before I was ready to get involved with someone. And by this point I was used to my freedom. So I said I would just play with him until it was time to give him back.

But without even meaning too I caught ALL the feelings.

And whilst it seemed like he had too, when I couldn't ignore how I felt any longer I brought up the fact that I couldn’t keep seeing him, knowing it could never go anywhere. And all of a sudden he started to blow cold.

Magic that huh?

For months we had spoken everyday. About anything and everything. And suddenly he would be radio-silence-guy. For days. When it first happened I let it slide. "He’s just busy" I told myself. But it got worse. And in the end when he went silent again over Christmas (I got a text at 3am boxing day morning after hearing nothing for days) I knew it was over. I mean if you can't care enough to text at Christmas - then you can't really care at all.

I did ended up making a final bad decision on NYE. But when I went over that evening the card I had gotten him for moving in to his new pad had been taken down. And another woman’s christmas card was in its place. My post-it note in the bathroom mirror was gone. It hadn't even been two weeks since I had been over.

On new years day as we lay there, he said for the last time that "if he was going to be with someone it would be me, but he just wasn't in that place"

There were a lot of opinions on this. "The timing was off" I agreed. "He just doesn't want you that way" I thought this too, and I had said to him that when he met someone full power, all that worrying it would go wrong wouldn't stand in the way. He was adamant that this wasn't the case. He said "That it would be you, but it just wouldn't be fair on either of us" as his "life was chaos and he would get hurt and so would I"

And then there was the view that "(Tinders) You are a princess. And if he can't see it he doesn't even deserve you" It was 2am and flat brother two was heavily inebriated with chicken nuggets hanging out his chops. But he wasn't wrong.

I continued to hear from the MD most days in the weeks that followed. But it was more of that half-cocked stuff. The easy, open chatting that had endeared me to him for all that time was gone. And with it went my desire for him, he had became like every other guy that just wanted to bang.

And I was way too much of a Tinkerbell/Tallulah Unicorn to play side chick for anyone.

I had gotten close enough to know he wasnt a fuckboy. Had he treated me like a random at the end? Sure.

Was I gonna put up with it - of course I fudging wasn't - but I didn't hate him. I had always said that if we had met any other way we would of been friends. And I had planned to go over and explain that for now I couldnt see him anymore (I wanted a good six months let all the heat and feelings fade) and pick up my stuff. The princesses talked me round though. "You won't last 5 mins with him before your knickers fall off" they said. And when I thought about it I realised they were right. So I sent a little message explaining it had to be over and whilst the MD said some lovely stuff back, the bottom line was "it made him sad but he understood"

So I sent a pre-paid jiffy bag to his so he could return my favourite black choker with the heart pendant, lost amongst the carnage of NYE. He posted my heart back with a strawberry flavoured lolly-pop in the bag. I put the lolly and my feelings in a draw and decided to move on.

It stung like a little b!tch, and if I am totally honest, without even trying - he had broken a piece of my silly little heart.

But I could either spend the next 6m dancing round the flat singing along with Mariah to "Heart-breaker", or I could just get busy living again.

So I went straight back on tinder. As did he. But for very different reasons I would imagine. He sent me a screen shot of my profile the day I went on, I replied (even though I wasn’t talking to him - fudging tinkerbell) and said “make sure you go left on that one – we both know it doesn’t work” smiley emoji.“I sooo swiped right” he said. I’ve still never come across him back on there. I know he needs his Hoe-faze...I just don't want details.

At the time, there was no-one else’s arms I wanted around me. No other guy I wanted to smile that secret smile for. No other blokes I wanted to dance with. I wanted to be in his swivel chair laying down on Sundays when it was raining outside, our feet on the poufee. My hand resting on his chest over his heart, his hand down the hugo boss trackies on my ass and our bodies wrapped round each other as we watched the sexy Tottenham footballers on the big screen TV.

And I wanted to kiss that place on his cheek where his beard didn’t grow.

#SoftAsMeltedChoclate

But as time passed I felt it less and less.

Lessons learned

1. Actions REALLY do speak louder than words. The only reason I had let this man get this close and have so much of me was because he had come after me so hard. Its rare when someone sparks your soul like that. And I had let him in for longer than I should because I knew when I ended it that would be it. I guess I had hoped he would just be normal again. But you gotta read the signs poppet. If you are sat there asking yourself why has he gone quiet again? Does he actually care? Trust me bub - he doesn't.

2. Never Lower your standards. And dont ever be afraid to walk away. If he wants you he will snap up, realise and come get you. And if he doesnt? There are a million dudes dying to get warm next to your fire my little Tinderellas. I promise you. Give some of the others a chance to feel your heat. When it's right I promise you 100% - it will have your heart #SingingNotStinging

He still texts, facebooks and sometimes even calls. And sometimes that naughty little tinkerbell still responds.

But I won't ever see him again until I know 100% that it would be platonic.

Keep being you - somebody's gonna feel it.