After Bali I was pretty much emotionally inconsolable #TheHolidayComeDownIsReal. So I had a swipe and: enter UFB. 6.4, another ex-pro rugby player. I went right because he was hot and reminded me of Hunky. He was full of chat and charm in his messages and we slid in whatsapp like fingers into peanut butter. So many compliments and loads of flirtiness followed. When they get fresh to quickly I ALWAYS stick it out there that I am not DTF (Down To Fcuk) . Some lose interest right away and some step up to the challenge.
Originally from Bridge-end (are all rugby players Welsh?) UFB had retired from the team he played for out in New Zealand after a knee Injury and now worked as a site manager for a well known construction firm in South-West london. He lived in North london with three Aussie women. This was good for me living with two guys as some dudes get funny about this, but he understood the crack. Full blown adults have uni-style living set ups in places where the rent's sky high. #ItsLife.
He also went to the same gym I did but in the Central branch, and was big on eating and living clean, he said. And he was so keen. Sometimes this can be off putting but initially with him it was nice. This big beefy guy being so soft and sweet. He would call me when he was on his way for coffee in the morning - I would be doing the same thing and he would coo down the phone in his soft welsh tones. After a week and a half of non stop chatting we had our first date. He came over to Stratford and the plan was to get on those boris bikes and cycle over to London fields. #Original
He had already told me the minute he saw me he was going to pick me up in his arms and kiss me. I was a bit worried I wouldn't fancy him IRL, but "fudge it" I thought. Whilst he didn't pick me up I did let him kiss me when I met him at the station. He looked just like his photos (he had already explained he was going for the Gerard Butler Look) and it was working for him (and me) Right away his hand slipped into mine as we walked up to get the bikes and he rode circles round me on the way over.
We grabbed some food from the market when we arrived and sat on the grass eating. It was still fairly warm in october and I ended up sat in between his legs. He was over a foot taller than me and twice my weight so I tucked in amongst his body and we fed each other food and kisses. He came out with alllll these lines like "You just get better and better" "You make me so hard its a joke" "How did you get this pretty" And I swallowed all of it.
We walked round the market and had a drink in a pub. Saw richard arnold from GMTV and his dog (he only lives round the corner) He was having a pint and UFB got really excited at the sighting. "Yeah cool" I said. Not really asked - Richie A is always knocking around there. UFB didn't stop touching me as the day went on. Physically pulling my seat next to his, putting his arms round me and feeding me sweet-talk non-stop. We moved to a coffee shop and I asked for my usual. Now I hold my hands up I am a cow when it comes to coffee. I always get a: medium-decaf-americano with soya milk and sugar free hazelnut syrup. Judge away, they taste nice and have less than 10 cals. It's my money and it's what I like. Plus, why would they sell them if they didn't want people to be happy? East london doesn't cater for coffee tw*ts though and the manager of the shop lent over the barista and started teasing me. I bantered back and he promised to concoct me something sweet and bring it over. When we sat at the table the UFB got all weird and jelly.
"What's up?" I asked.
"Babe he was looking at you the way I look at you`' he frowned.
"Uh - what do you mean?"
"Well he wants to fcuk you babe"
"What? Chill-out Kyle"
I changed the subject and started talking about the plan for later, I was meeting one of my longest standing princesses that evening over in Central for drinks. He was short on cash he had said this month, so was staying in that evening. (I had paid for everything we had done that day and at this point didn't mind doing so) He then brought up the fact he had deleted tinder since we had started talking.
"Uh cool. Um - does this mean you want me to delete it?"
"Well it's up to you babe"
Hmmm, I thought.
Once you have tinder is it ever deletable?
By the time I had to leave to meet Ana it had turned from sunny to piddly and the rain DID NOT let up. Standing in a doorway outside the coffee shop in a cropped sweater and jeans I didn't fancy my chances on the 12 minute walk to the station.
UBF said he would come with. At the time I thought this was so sweet. It was miles out his was back to North London and I was totally flattered he wanted to keep spending time together. On the back seat of the car he cuddled me into him and I cannot actually remember how this came up but he started talking about how many kids he wanted. Where he wanted to raise them. saying he wanted a girlfriend by crimbo. (It was only October and I still hadn't let go of summer). "What are you gonna call these kids then?" I asked him joking, my head still leant against his chest.
The name he said for a boy had my sitting up like he had slapped me. It was the name of my little bro. And the name I always secretly wanted to call my little bub if I am ever blessed with one.
It freaked me out way more than it should've. At the time I thought - out of all the bloody names in the world how did he want that one as well?
We also had loads of other stuff in common. Similar rough and tumble upbringings. Both from tiny villages and now totally in love with big-city living. After 15 mins sat in Saturday London traffic I realised that we had only moved a mile and google maps said we were only a short walk to the nearest tube stop. "Thanks Mr Uber I sang" We jumped out and made a run in the pouring rain for the station. Sheltering in another doorway he leant down and kissed me again. Took his cap off and put it over my head to protect the barnet from the rain and held my hand as we ran to Old Street tube station.
On the train he pulled me into his body away from all the usual creeps on the underground. When we got a seat I pulled my tangle teaser out to fix my hair and he teased me using it on his beard. When we got to central he said he would come for a drink with me and meet Ana if I wanted. (He wants to meet my friends too?? Woah what a keeny, I thought. and also How cute)
Grrr -#GetOffMyTangleTeaser #Douchey
"Sure" I said "but she wont go easy on you" Ana is notoriously loyal. and she will always let every guy that comes near any of her loved ones know that if he fcuks with her then she will castrate him. She is so slim and half Japanese so men ALWAYS fancy her and think shes cute. I love it when she surprises them with all her beautfiul sass. And secretly I think they love it too.
UFB was no different and after a drink he left us to play. The kiss we had goodbye outside in the rain elicited cheers from the guys smoking nearby and hungover the next day he came right back round the East Village to see me.
I was pretty flattered by all this attention off such a tasty bloke. It did feel a bit quick, but as previously mentioned when you are hungover cuddles off an enormous hot male and food are all you really want when you are a tinderella. So I took him down to Hackney Wick for some munch. I paid again and it was all going breezy until the walk back. It was sunny but cold and I walked fast to warm up. And he asked me if I "was in a mood?"
"No im just cold silly" I said."Walk with me" And he got really stroppy. Started saying "If you are gonna be like this then I will just go home"
"What are you going on about?" I asked. He just stood there looking the other way and I said "if you wanna leave there's an overground station over there" He didnt move so I started walking thinking bloody hell is he on his period?
He caught up with me and put his arm over my shoulders. Said "Sorry I am just a bit tired" And then, "As soon as I get paid I am going to take you to The London Gin Club babe" This was so exciting to me, I had already told him about loving gin (its tres trendy in LDN and I am a full blown trend-hoe) #NoShame
"Sounds good poppet, let's get a move on I'm freezing"
On the way back he started talking about a flat he found that was available right away. (He had already mentioned he wasnt enjoying living with the girls) The only problem was the deposit. he couldn't afford it.
"If you need money .....I could help"
I said it with out even thinking. It would be my natural response to any friend or person I was close too. I hate problems and will do anything to resolve them. UBF said "I would never ask you to do that"
And then "I need to tell you something"
Here we go I thought
"Your married? Two kids?"
"Huh-huh he laughed. "No. But the girls I live with. One of them I share a room with"
"Oh cool" I said. but internally i was like WTF? Now I get the shared housing thing. But shared room? Like how do you all get changed and have private time etc?
"It was only supposed to be a temporary thing with the sharing. Like I said I am gonna try and get a place this week. I want you to be able to stay over"
"Okay cool"
As I walked home I just thought. "Fudge it, see what happens" It was such early days who on earth was I to care about who he slept near? I barely knew this man. And he said he had never slept with his roommate ....
Every night that week he went to more viewings. Sent me places he found and asked what I thought.
"Yeah looks good" I would say and we made plans to meet again that friday. As he was still skint I said he could come over for dinner round ours. Flat brother two was in that night and they got on like a house on fire. I made this thing I had been wanting to try out from our Joe Wickes Lean-In-15 cook book and we had chocolate sauce pots for desert. And then snuggles. In my room he mentioned the deposit again said "Are you okay to transfer that money babe? Ill pay you back next Friday. 7am" I didnt want to do it, but I felt so awkward...and I am ashamed to say with a few clicks I sent the £400 across. As soon as it was done I thought "Fudging hell Tinderella"
But he just picked me up and canoodled me into oblivion. Whilst I didnt want to go all the way with UFB yet, hella fun was had. And it's true what they say about big feet. Huge socks and even bigger:
After he came and he passed out. For the next 12 hours. I ended up back in the living room with flat brother two watching movies as it was only 10pm on a friday and I told him about lending UFB the money. "He seems like a decent guy tinders - I'm sure he will pay you back" Dom said.
In the morning I burrowed into UFB for a cuddle and he shrugged me off. "Babe dont be so needy" he said.
Needy? was he for real?
"I have just woken up I want some space"
"sheesh" I went and made a coffee and when I came back in he had all his stuff ready to go.
"Uh - see ya" I said handing him his shoes
"Why are you being so stroppy?" he asked
"I'm not I dunno what's up with you?
"Fuck off then" he spat and literally stormed out and slammed the door.
I remember sitting on the bed thinking what the eff is wrong with this guy?
Why was he so moody?
A while later (apparently unfazed by his storming off) he text me a screenshot of a message from spare room. The girl he shared a room with (his suspected wife) had contacted the flat he was trying to move into and told them the following
Why on earth had he sent this to me? Because he was fuming at her.
Where was his shame at revealing he was on steroids and had cash and coke problems? Your guess is as good as mine but probably the same place he kept his morals.
Up his ass.
I mean it explained the mood swings and the sketchy behaviour. But what about the £400?
I asked the boys and they said "Be nice to him, try and get it back" So for the next week I texted him like normal. Waited until pay day to see if he would actually return it. I wasn't holding my breath and I was kicking myself for being so naive and silly with the cash.
Friday came and at 8.20am the cash came back in.
FUDGE.ME that was a lucky escape. I had nothing left to say to UFB and I woke up saturday morning to a selfie of him sent at 3am. He was holding a bag of white power up to the camera. It said "I am near yours babe I am coming round"
FCUK. Block
Back swiping on tinder a few days later I came across a new profile he had made. One of his profile photos now included a snap of us he had taken on our first date. I was fuming. How dare he put a photo with me in it on tinder??
Jesus H christ. I unblocked him and text him a screen shot of the pic and told him what a fudging #UsingSeeYouNextTuesday I thought he was and re-blocked him.
Lessons learned.
1) Dont be so bloody naive all your life is probably the biggest thing I learned here. Don't treat everyone the way you expect to be treated cos theres plenty of creepies around.
2) Don't get blindsided by how good looking or tall someone is and forget to listen. If he gets jelly so soon, talks about marriage and kids right away, asks to borrow money on date 2 and has crazy muscles and mood swings. Get out of that situation baby girl. He ain't no good.
3)I've never dated anyone on steroids before. But i've spoken to other people who have, and it's always a similar story. It makes em crazy. No one needs hard work or crazy.
He is still out there girls So if you see a Gerard Butler-alike who over-uses the word "Babe". Run.
I actually forgot he was still on my FB (I pretty much tired to black this whole mini blip out for obvious reasons) and he came up liking something at 3am a few weeks later. Definitely high-as-a-Kite I reckon. So I FB blocked as well. #SWIPELEFT #FFS