Okay Hands Up, I fell wayyyy more in love with Bali than I did anyone we met out there. So if you are after massive filthy shenanigans then you will have to wait a while yet.
If you have been, then you won't need me to tell you how lush it is. If you haven't, What the fudge are you actually waiting for? stop reading immediately. Text your whatsapp group(s) or grab your lovah and insist that life is too short not to Bali. What are they even all doing ffs? Make them go. (Whilst writing this and going through all the pics and videos of the trip I totally aggravated everyone about going back this year)
The first leg of our trip was in Ubud and there was no man-action to speak of: we were in #ActionBarbieMode. I mean I did fall in love with our volcano tour guide (the man held my hand almost exclusively the entire way down as my sparkly trainers kept slipping in the volcanic ash) He wasn't my type but he was a beautiful and very attentive person. By the end of the descent I was ready to have his babies as I may of still been stuck up there if it wasnt for him. #ThanksBoo #LoveYouLongTime #ActionBarbieGotSlippy
Whilst in Ubud the nearest I got to some sauce apart from the tourguide hand-holding was in a spa. Ruth, the princess I was travelling with, had booked us into for a belated birthday treat, and treated like princesses we really were. Tootsies primped, fingernails painted, facials delivered, head massages administered (so good we both started snoring on the tables we were that relaxed) and finally the full body massages.
Lying side by side on the tables we disrobed. Our pretty and petite balinese masseuses mounted each of us and set to work. So far so good. After being rubbed into blissful serenity they asked each of us to stand up. So Ruth and I obliged, spaced out and topless, wearing only the paper pants we stood there, and then out of nowhere they began rubbing yogurt into our breasts.
It was cold, but not unpleasant and it smelt nice. Once we were fully lubed up with yogurt they led us into warm, free-standing bath tubs full of fresh flower petals. Told us to wash it off and then get back on the beds.
Afterwards we described it as having your boobs lobbed with muller corners. Worth a try if you are ever in that part of the world. And it's fair to say I was definitely ready for some man action by the time we left Ubud and hit Gili Trawangan.
Gili T is to Aussies what Ibiza is to Tinderellas. Hot weather, steamy parties, yummy cocktails and paradise vibes. The place was fizzing as we stepped off the boat and we fell in to #BeachBarbieMode We met guys (and happy girls) night and day. Even in our hotel there were Aussies in the pool at all hours chilling out drinking and asking us in to play. It helped that our room was pool side. Everyone was hella friendly. Hannah was one of the Aussies' we bonded with at the hotel as she had a hair dryer and we didn't. Plus she was just such a lush and friendly person. She was over on the island with a huge group of mates and some of the dudes they were with took a shine to Ruth and this little Tinderella.
The island is A.MAZ.ING.
You can walk round the whole thing in around an hour but you will never be able to do it that quick as there is so much to stop and get involved in on the way.
Sunrise and sunset paddle boarding yoga? You got it. Lush-Ass food with sea views and incredible service at bargain prices? Its all they do.
Outdoor cinemas laying watching the latest movies on sunbeds in the sandy beach? - Yours every night if you want it.
Beach bars and clubs full of all your favourite choons and sexy ravers? - Non stop.
Horseriding along the sand? No problem.
Walking out in the crystal clear sea and snorkelling with turtles and nemos? Happens on the daily
And the food, sweet Jesus the food.....being so heavily touristed by Aussies (who are even fussier eaters than moi) the place (and most of Bali) is kitted out better than London. Like you can get all the normal food regular people eat. But they cater for vegan/non-fat/high-protein/no-carb princesses too. EVERYWHERE. When you are blissfully hanging after a long night spent tequilaring around the island dancing on tables, you can stroll out when you wake up and snatch an icey cold protein-berry smoothie. Sit sipping your delicious refreshment it in the heat looking out at the ocean. In my entire life I had never felt as relaxed, happy or blessed as I did there.
You know in the Titanic? When old Rose slips off to "sleep" and she busts back to meet Jack on the boat. He is waiting for her at the top of the stairs and all there previously deceased mates are there clapping? Well Gili T is exactly where I want to end up when I go to heaven. Back in paradise for ever with everyone I love. #Dreams #BaliGotMeHard
And it's also where I will stand and declare my undying love and loyalty to my Future King. If I ever find him. If not then I will just faux marry one of the princesses there and pretend.
I loved it so much I made the ultimate keen girl declaration of commitment and had it inked on my back. #BeautifulBaliHoldsAPeiceOfMyHeart #CheeseBall #NotEVENSorry
So boys. Every night we met more - Ruth was back with her lovah and no longer a pringle. That is their story, but all I will say is part of his demonstration of his love to win her back involved him flying 17 hours round the world to meet her. She had another two weeks out here with him when I flew home before her new job started #GodBlessGardeningLeave. Stefans commitment to winning her back knew no bounds. And this just shows you girls, if a guy really wants you, full power - NOTHING will stand in his way. #LiterallyNothing #WhenYouKnowYouKnow
So she was wing-womaning the dudes with me every night. But I wasn't having much luck. The first night was consumed with a Kiwi who in spite of going on and on about being a Pilot, seemed to have no cash. Now a cocktail was the equivalent of 50p. So I didn't care about buying him one, but after the second round I started to get pissed off. Like do you really think I wanna let you feel me up if you cant even buy you own drink plane boy?
This got real long, even for little miss waffly over here..... (two weeks worth of Bali Gushing, with a little man action thrown in) - so if you have not lost interest yet part two is to follow.