Mr Happn V Tinders'

My first year in London I literally worked 6 days a week. Hardly dated and would of rather spent my one evening a week off with people I loved who already loved me i.e the girls, the family or my little pup-pup Tallulah.

Isn’t she a bae?

- this photo was taken right after she pooped on the carpet. And this is literally how she deals with her sh!t…i.e Cutes her way out of trouble. It’s a good life tip for all of us really. #BeMoreTallulah

About 6 months after moving up it all started dating wise with Mr Happn. Now living in Canary wharf (The Wharf) I was saving three hours a day on my commute and spent all the extra time in the office banging away at the keyboard making as much money as I could as a contractor in Finance. I vaguely had a swipe on Happn and stayed off tinder altogether. It wasn’t that I was off men, I mean I love men. And I LOVE love sex (only with someone I am excited about mind)

I was just too busy with the new job to spend the time swiping. About 6 weeks post V-day I went into my messages on the app and saw Mr happn had sent one on 14th feb asking me to dinner.

Oh wow I thought. That could be fun. Eating in front of a hot stubble-faced boy! So I messaged him back –

“Hey sorry I missed this - I am free if you still are”

He came back right away and asked if I could meet that Sunday in Liverpool Street.

“Sure” I replied. And come Sunday I was waiting in Broadgate Circle outside the station looking exactly like I actually was. A naive excited little first-dater. Wondering what the hell was gonna happn next!

He saw me (massive blonde hair as I was running late as ever, and had no time left to straighten the mane) and I saw him - luckily he looked like his pic. As I would go on to find out, there’s always a 15-20% chance people will look NOTHING like their photos.

#CatfishingIsRifeMyFriends

Mr happn worked for a big fancy firm in the city. His job was to “set the price of gold”. And his desk-toy was a gold brick.

My desk toy (Penelope) is above - This was my first clue that we might not be the best match, but off we went. He was easy enough to talk to, and very friendly. We had drinks in Dirty Dicks and a yummy Sunday dinner in a fancy restaurant near his office. The night ended with a kiss at the tube exit where we went our separate ways.

He text the next day and we arranged a Thursday date in the Wharf. Dinner in Plateau - as he had paid last time I was keen to be Miss Modern and pay this time. Again he was fun to chat too but I got into trouble. The fancy restaurant and skyline views I had plumped for meant the food was that miniature-portion stuff. i.e looks v.pretty but two tiger prawns (and a yucky sprig of coriander) don’t stand a chance against three Hendricks and slimline tonics. So I soon felt hella giggly and flirtier than usual.

FYI I am a 9/10 for flirting with hot boys. (note I did not say AT flirting – just I WILL get flirty) If I really like them I get shy and will actually move to hide behind a friend if I think they are too hot. This infuriates the girls so I have been working on it. But if I am drunk enough then #SassyPants comes out and I forget to be embarrassed. I just get so over excited when I meet anyone new. Let alone a cute guy. I’m 100% a sucker for all the #Vibing.

When I told him how tipsy I felt after dinner he took me straight to the Big-Easy in The Wharf, They had live music and tequila cocktails. Within half an hour we were kissing at the bar and he got really handsy.

We ended up downstairs underneath by the new Cross Rail terminal, kissing against the wall. He tried to get me into the disabled loos...and whilst I said no, we kept getting fresh against the wall. I remember my bag falling to the ground. My coat being undone, and even though it was a freezing march evening. Like see-your-breath-cold, I had enough booze in me and he smelt yummy enough that I was hot. In the end a chubby security guard appeared to shoo us off and we went giggling to the All-Bar-One by the tube exit. Because “more drinks were needed” said Mr happn….

I remember queuing at the bar next to him and him actually trying to unzip my dress. Saying "What do you keep in here then?" The zip started under my arm and went down my side and in the #ThirstyThursday crowded bar, I felt his finger slip in the gap he made and brush against my skin. When we found a table I remembered the advice of one of the princesses who had done the single-girl-dating thing with great success. She had told us how she employed the 10-date rule.

Now the idea is you tell them it’s going to take 10 dates rather than the standard 3 to get you into bed. You will crack at 5-6 but they wont know this. Points to the guy if they try and play along with how long they think it will take. It’s a good way to weed out the dudes just after a quick fuck.

Mr Happn asked me incredulously about this. “10!!!??? Who has TEN DATES before sex?”

“Me” I hiccupped back, very tipsy by now. He said he’d make sure I got home okay. So there we were snogging on the platform of the DLR. The bag had fallen to the floor again. The coat was undone and his hands were EVERYWHERE. I remember looking up as he was making love to my neck and seeing we were standing beneath a CCTV camera and thinking. “Well, whoevers watching tonight must be finding this funny” And also “I hope this doesn’t end up on you’ve been framed….”

Mr Happn was in full fuckboy mode by now– “look if I come back tonight nothing has to Happn, it wont change the way I see you - and I want to see you again after. I promise. “

Luckily I held my own. “No. No. NO” "Hicup" and he went and got on his side of the platform and sulked off home.

Hard. And alone.

Never heard from him again.

This being my first male contact for a very long time, and me being the clueless little madam who had always ended up in long relationships with men she kissed on nights out back home….I took the “ghosting” to heart. OUCH I thought. For a few days I wondered what on earth had I done wrong? Too drunk? To smiley?...

Regardless of what I did or didn’t do that initiated the Casper move, lessons were learned:

1. If they get really agitated at the thought of having to wait for sex, this is all they want (from you at least) and they aren’t worth worrying about.

2. Try and look at photos of the food where you are eating on a date before hand wherever possible. If the portions look small and you're going to drink then PRE-EAT-SISTER.

Funnily enough, even in a city a huge as London I did bump into Mr Happn a few months later in a bar. I was on a date with a hot dude I'd met at a festival that weekend (more about him later but lets just note that festival guy Angus Steak-House, was wearing leathers as he had just arrived on his motor bike oozing hot-sexiness) and Mr Happn? well he was having a pint alone in his creased suit after work on a Monday. He saw me, I ignored him, and he downed his drink and made a swift exit.

1-nil to Tinders.